Sometimes external changes bring health and harmony. But, there are times when change is not about destroying what you have and running after a fantasy or ideal, but to stop devaluing the treasures in your life and start appreciating all that you have. Sometimes it is about changing inside, and not about changing what is outside. Changing yourself is way harder, but more effective and fulfilling than changing everyone and everything around you.
The Mouse, the Bird, and the Sausage
By Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
“Once upon a time a mouse, a bird, and a sausage formed a partnership. They kept house together, and for a long time they lived in peace and prosperity, acquiring many possessions. The bird’s task was to fly into the forest every day to fetch wood. The mouse carried water, made the fire, and set the table. The sausage did the cooking.
Whoever is too well off always wants to try something different! Thus one day the bird chanced to meet another bird, who boasted to him of his own situation. This bird criticized him for working so hard while the other two enjoyed themselves at home. For after the mouse had made the fire and carried the water, she could sit in the parlor and rest until it was time for her to set the table. The sausage had only to stay by the pot watching the food cook. When mealtime approached, she would slither through the porridge or the vegetables, and thus everything was greased and salted and ready to eat. The bird would bring his load of wood home. They would eat their meal, and then sleep soundly until the next morning. It was a great life.
The next day, because of his friend’s advice, the bird refused to go to the forest, saying that he had been their servant long enough. He was no longer going to be a fool for them. Everyone should try a different task for a change. The mouse and the sausage argued against this, but the bird was the master, and he insisted that they give it a try. The sausage was to fetch wood, the mouse became the cook, and the bird was to carry water.
And what was the result? The sausage trudged off toward the forest; the bird made the fire; and the mouse put on the pot and waited for the sausage to return with wood for the next day. However, the sausage stayed out so long that the other two feared that something bad had happened. The bird flew off to see if he could find her. A short distance away he came upon a dog that had seized the sausage as free booty and was making off with her. The bird complained bitterly to the dog about this brazen abduction, but he claimed that he had discovered forged letters on the sausage, and that she would thus have to forfeit her life to him.
Filled with sorrow, the bird carried the wood home himself and told the mouse what he had seen and heard. They were very sad, but were determined to stay together and make the best of it. The bird set the table while the mouse prepared the food. She jumped into the pot, as the sausage had always done, in order to slither and weave in and about the vegetables and grease them, but before she reached the middle, her hair and skin were scalded off, and she perished.
When the bird wanted to eat, no cook was there. Beside himself, he threw the wood this way and that, called out, looked everywhere, but no cook was to be found. Because of his carelessness, the scattered wood caught fire, and the entire house was soon aflame. The bird rushed to fetch water, but the bucket fell into the well, carrying him with it, and he drowned. “
How do you prioritize and set boundaries?
The 3 P’s: Perfectionism, Procrastination, and Paralysis
The vicious cycle: perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis, where one often leads to the next.
The cell membrane separates the interior of the cell from the outside environment. It senses its surroundings, gets nutrients from the outside environment and exerts waste from the inside. It protects and nourishes the nucleus. It keeps it whole and safe.
Tatyana Ivljushkina psychotherapist, emotion-image therapy teacher and practitioner covered the topic of personal boundaries in great detail and from many angles in her 2021 emotion-image therapy conference master class. I found a cell metaphor to be very helpful.
We have many types of boundaries: physical, sexual, social, emotional, spiritual, financial, time and role boundaries. Without boundaries wholeness is impossible. With rigid boundaries development is impossible.
Interestingly healthy boundaries develop when we are able to say what we do not like and do not want instead of when we say what we want or like. Learning to say “no” in a socially acceptable form is crucial in developing healthy boundaries.
How do you know that your boundaries were crossed? How does your body react to it?
How do you restore your boundaries?
This post is inspired by an interview of Lucius Usmanova with Nikolay Linde. Lucius is the author of the project “You can do it!” and Nikolay Linde is an author of emotion-image therapy, an original psychotherapeutic approach.
There may be several reasons for it.
- It could be due to some trauma, which leads to fear of taking action.
- It could be due to being out of place. For example, an artist by spirit is doing IT work because of parental pressure to choose a practical college major.
- It could be due to living in the fantasy world and believing that things just happen on their own without exerting any effort into them. In unwillingness to take action, to invest energy into the project, a goal, a person or a relationship. Such people quit after a first failure. They do not persevere.
- It could be due to negative parental messages: Don’t do, Don’t succeed or Don’t be. Messages that are psychologically damaging to a child (from transactional analysis).
“Don’t do”. For example, parents may say to their child: “you will never amount to anything”, “you cannot do anything right”, “I will do it for you”. People who received such messages in their childhood feel as if they are fragile and incompetent. They have trouble making decisions and taking responsibility.
“Don’t succeed” or “do not do better than me”. For example, if a father fails to build a business, a son, unconsciously, cannot succeed. Son feels that he shouldn’t get better results than dad.
“Don’t be”, which often is expressed through hidden / latent depression. Those are people whose parents didn’t want them or told them: “You were a mistake”, “I wish you’d never been born!”, “I wanted to abort you”, “I struggled in life because of you.” The person gets a message that they are not needed in this world and as a result they do not have a drive for life.
Some of the above reasons are easier to work with and some are more challenging. I use techniques from emotion-image therapy to discover the reasons for your failures and then to dissolve the obstacles. Contact me if you struggle to succeed in a particular area of your life, be it any type of relationships, a career or a project.
There are three types of motivation: financial, neurotic and metaphysical. Financial when you do things to improve your material life like buying a house, car, etc. Neurotic one is when you try to prove something to someone. Metaphysical is when you follow your spirit or flow, etc. Which type of motivation drives you? Which one is more stable or predictable?
Is it joy, sadness, disgust, anger, fear, guilt, shame, envy, jealousy, disappointment, frustration, irritation, helplessness, pity, curiosity?
Emotion–image therapy (EIT) was developed by Nikolay Linde, PhD (psychology). Dr. Linde is a Russian psychotherapist, who has more than 40 years of professional experience in psychological consulting. He is the author of his original psychotherapeutic approach, which he developed in 1991. He is a founder and a president at the Center for Emotion-Image Therapy. He is leader of the EIT branch at the Professional Psychotherapeutic League of Russia, a senior lecturer, and a professor of Moscow Institute of Psychoanalysis. Dr. Linde is the author of five books and more than 60 articles on psychotherapy. He has trained hundreds of EIT practitioners, consultants, teaches and supervises.